I'll Never Love an Elf Again... Guest Lyrics

Tune: I'll Never Fall in Love Again by The Carpenters
(multiple authors)

C.S. 'Archer' Marks says:

'What-do-you get when you love an Elf?
Silly pointy-eared menace slurping honey,
Push you out of the tree, and think it's fun-ny!
I'll...ne-ver love an Elf a-gai-ai-ai-ain!
I'll never love an Elf a-gain!'

Jennifer Lawhorn says:

(laughing) What do you get when you love an Elf?
Inferiority complex, and vertigo,
New definitions for "take it slow"
I'll... never love an Elf a-gai-ai-ai-ain!
I'll never love an Elf a-gain!

C.S. 'Archer' Marks says:

Don't tell me what it's all a-bout!
Those poncy Elves make me feel like a lou-ou-out!
They're so far above me, I can't even find them,
And trust me--I won't need to re-mi-ind them!

What do you get when you love an Elf?
Immortal beings that are tough to please, now.
Well at least they won't give you STD's now!
I'll...ne-ver love an Elf a-gain!

Amy Lane says:

But what do you get when you love a sidhe...
Their natural endowments make them hot to me
They're tall and they're hot and they're really sweet
Between a were and a sidhe they're really tough to beat

Vampires are so easy to ki-iiilll
But sidhe lovers are around to keep on filling the bill.
Lovin's what the Goddess made them fo--oor
So I'll! Keep loving Green forevermore... ooooohh I...will love Green forevermore...

C.S. 'Archer' Marks says:

What do you get when you love a Dwarf?
You get strong hands, (plus sensible investing!)
And those long beards make things in-ter-es-ting,
I'll never love an Elf again...
I'll never love an Elf again.

Web sites for authors C.S. 'Archer' Marks at: www.elfhunter.net
Amy Lane at: www.greenshill.com

The Brief Battle

Tune: 76 Trombones from The Music Man

76 tall elves led the big army
with a hundred and ten riders 'round the chief.
They are followed by rows and rows of the fighting G.I. Joes
and dwarfs to provide comic relief!

76 tall elves shoot on-coming orcs,
while a hundred and ten riders shout, "the king!"
There were more than ten thousand orcs springing up like forks
and the wizards couldn't do a thing!

76 tall elves led the big retreat.
But a hundred and ten riders soon shot ahead!
As for the rows and rows of the poor GI Joes:
The orcs all ended up well-fed!

I left my heart in Middle Earth

This lyric was written for a group of fantasy writers. They were busy posting about a complicated veggie burger recipe that was beyond my ability as a non-cook and I was feeling a bit left out. So...
Tune: I left my heart in San Francisco (music by George Cory, original lyrics by Douglass Cross).

I left my heart (my beating heart)
in middle earth (at the best part)
And now my love (oh passion's fool!)
is giving birth (with pain and drool)
To a world as odd
as Frodo's is
I just don't get
veggie burger bizz

Because I'm not (never was, no I'm not)
A chef, a cook (not a chef, not a cook)
Others may bake (or baste or roast)
I'll read a book (I'm fine with toast)

cuz...I left my heart (my beating heart)
in middle earth (at the best part)
And now my love (oh passion's fool!)
is giving birth (with pain and drool)
To a world as odd (as strange yet near)
as Frodo's is (so loved and dear)
I just don't get (if I try to make a pot)
veggie burger bizz (mine's a yucky lot!)

"Facing the Fire Swamp, or, an Ode to Fighting Depression Princess Bride-style"--Guest Lyrics

This get-well-soon lyric by Jennifer Lawhorn uses humor and imagery from Princess Bride to address some depressed friends...

Murky and damp, full of perils unknown,
In charm, the Fire Swamp's lacking.
The trees may be lovely, but who really cares,
When your brain chemistry's attacking.

Like an R.O.U.S.* that jumps on your back,
Or snarls and bites off your hand,
Those lies you believe can drag you right down
And swallow your soul in quicksand.

But wait! You can fight! All's not in vain.
Just wait for that strange popping sound,
Then time it just right, and gag as the smell
Of barbecued rat spreads around.

So now, when in doubt, no matter how dark,
There's always a way out, you see...
Just hope, and believe, and say this to yourself:
Buttercup's got nothing on me!

*Rodents Of Unusual Size
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

What's funny? What kind of funny is my funny?

DEFINITIONS of Types and Sources of Humor

TYPES of humor:
IRONY: "an expression of meaning... by the use of language of a different or opposite tendency." (OED)
WORD games and dialogue (HTWF).
TRUTH: voicing things everyone's pretending not to see (HTWF).
SATIRE: "use of ridicule, irony, sarcasm, etc. to expose folly or vice or to lampoon an individual" (OED).
CHARACTER VS. CHARICATURE (e.g., Dickens' description of Scrooge (HTWF)) or "...a comic representation of a person by exaggeration of characteristic traits." (OED)
STRANGE SETTINGS AND AWKWARD SITUATIONS--places where the character is humorously out of place. (HTWF),
COMICAL PLOTS AND UNLIKELY CONNECTIONS, e.g. _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe_ which makes fun of practically every device used in sci fi. (HTWF)
BATHOS, a sudden transition from serious to funny. (HTWF)

A partial list of SOURCES of humor:
EXAGGERATION (see Mark Twain's tall tales or Dave Barry, e.g., ...the taxi had some kind of problem with the steering, probably dead pedestrians lodged in the mechanism..."
UNDERSTATEMENT: see the Black Knight in _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_ who says, on having both arms cut off, "'Tis but a scratch!"
Others: intrusion of the UNEXPECTED,
REVERSAL or substitution of words, identities (ah, Shakespeare!), conventional wisdoms or behaviors, ANACHRONISM (obviously intentional incongruity with respect to time as in Mark Twain's _A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court_),
EMBARRASSMENT (ranges from bathroom humor to sophisticated humor due to incompetence, misunderstanding, miscommunication),
ABSURDITY,
FANTASY-ITSELF, puns,
LOGICAL progressions as in Catch-22,
PARODY (such as Doug Adams' parody of sci fi lit above).
(The above is a paraphrase of HTWF (see below) plus my own two bits.)

Note: Sarcasm and forms of humor aimed at people categorized by race, religion, ethnicity, mental capacity, mental health, etc., are not considered "humor" for the purposes of this discussion.
Def'n of Sarcasm: 1. a bitter or wounding remark. 2. a taunt, esp. one ironically worded. (OED]

Sources: The Oxford English Dictionary (OED).
"The Comic Point of View" by David Bouchier in _How to Write Funny_ (HTWF)